Its been a few days since I've posted and I don't really want to get into now, because I am so stressed every second of every day and now I just need to sleep. I am so tired and yet so unwilling to sleep. I feel like I am missing something by only being in bed or at work.
A lot has happened....I love those kiddos.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Nameplates and Applesauce
So, I officially went into my classroom today.
You know how I know its was mine? My name was on the nameplate.
Seriously, coolest day ever. Well....coolest day in a really long time.
I needed to be excited and meet great people, I just needed good things to happen in life.
You know how I know its was mine? My name was on the nameplate.
Seriously, coolest day ever. Well....coolest day in a really long time.
I needed to be excited and meet great people, I just needed good things to happen in life.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Empty
Oh I am the biggest poser on the planet. I put on my mask of fulfillment and then one chink in the chain and shambles again.
I am an escapist, I know it...I've even mentioned it here in my small return to blogdom, but my mind usually keeps me from feeling the whole wait of it.
I am stressed out, I am terrified and the feelings have been bouncing up into consciousness, but I have been able to ignore them because I was completely obsessed and focused on the completion of the twilight saga. How trivial and trite that fantasy novels would be my outlet for all the stress. Dumb, Kimberly, dumb. You are an idiot. Pushing away the terrifying times for the future was a horrible plan, now you have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.
I am clearly unprepared for life.
My mental list of needs, wants is crushing me and I either need to run away screaming or tuck myself in and never ever face to dangers of the outside world.
People who freak like this shouldn't be teachers. Stage fright really isn't my thing, it sounds cocky, but I am pretty fearless when it comes to matters of career. I don't understand why this is happening now, I think I will be better if I organize and post and go collect my mail. 2-3 weeks, 14-21 days is not enough time. I believe my first day of school is the 18th...okay, I checked it is the 18, and until I checked I was holding onto veiled hope that it was going to say the 20th. Someone how, 18 days of preparation infinitely longer and more appropriate the 16. 16 days is even too close to get reasonable airfare for a last minute escape attempt.
I want to move, I want to go away, I want to chase my dreams of hitting it big on stage and screen. My practicality about my life goals seems moot up this point. I was/am young....why did I tie myself down like this. I fear this is a horrible mistake, I need more time -I am not, I repeat am not ready for this to happen. I love the distracting myself and the idea of the teaching...its the permanence that I am terrified of regretting. I know that once I start, I'll never look back, I'm loyal (nearly to a fault) and I can't imagine giving up on my dreams. I say dreams, but is that what they are? If it was really my dream would I be freaking out like I am right now? This is horrible, I know its crushing me. The tears are all but out of my face and I can't let them win, my heart is breaking. It hurts, I can feel it. A horrible ache in the middle of my chest, and I can't lie the thought of an early heart attack...horrible and macabre as it sounds had some appeal as a way to delay the future a bit longer. Good....it seems my own morbidity, as snapped me back into reality and made this mindless brain dump a little more controlled-less frenzied than it has been. Breathe.
In the time is has taken me to unload on my unsuspecting blog, I have contemplated taking this down, emailing my best friends hoping for their advice or approval of my not-so-well-formed exit strategy. They can't save me, I don't need saving...I need hugs, lots of them and no one is here. Like I said before, this isn't my style. I'm usually not run away afraid...I'm usually more nervous and willing to admit the vulnerability but this is different. I think its my reaction that is the worst, so uncharacteristic of my normal self that I don't know how to control it.
I think the best plan of action is to appear as though things are normal and hope that the irrational side is beaten into submission by my overwhelming need for self-preservation and life satisfaction. My emotions are out of control.
This is the plan.
*get mail
*go to store, get school appropriate clothing
*maybe also school supplies, I want to see big lots
*start labeling and organizing like no one has done before.
*re-read blog and hopefully laugh at my mini nervous breakdown.
I am an escapist, I know it...I've even mentioned it here in my small return to blogdom, but my mind usually keeps me from feeling the whole wait of it.
I am stressed out, I am terrified and the feelings have been bouncing up into consciousness, but I have been able to ignore them because I was completely obsessed and focused on the completion of the twilight saga. How trivial and trite that fantasy novels would be my outlet for all the stress. Dumb, Kimberly, dumb. You are an idiot. Pushing away the terrifying times for the future was a horrible plan, now you have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.
I am clearly unprepared for life.
My mental list of needs, wants is crushing me and I either need to run away screaming or tuck myself in and never ever face to dangers of the outside world.
People who freak like this shouldn't be teachers. Stage fright really isn't my thing, it sounds cocky, but I am pretty fearless when it comes to matters of career. I don't understand why this is happening now, I think I will be better if I organize and post and go collect my mail. 2-3 weeks, 14-21 days is not enough time. I believe my first day of school is the 18th...okay, I checked it is the 18, and until I checked I was holding onto veiled hope that it was going to say the 20th. Someone how, 18 days of preparation infinitely longer and more appropriate the 16. 16 days is even too close to get reasonable airfare for a last minute escape attempt.
I want to move, I want to go away, I want to chase my dreams of hitting it big on stage and screen. My practicality about my life goals seems moot up this point. I was/am young....why did I tie myself down like this. I fear this is a horrible mistake, I need more time -I am not, I repeat am not ready for this to happen. I love the distracting myself and the idea of the teaching...its the permanence that I am terrified of regretting. I know that once I start, I'll never look back, I'm loyal (nearly to a fault) and I can't imagine giving up on my dreams. I say dreams, but is that what they are? If it was really my dream would I be freaking out like I am right now? This is horrible, I know its crushing me. The tears are all but out of my face and I can't let them win, my heart is breaking. It hurts, I can feel it. A horrible ache in the middle of my chest, and I can't lie the thought of an early heart attack...horrible and macabre as it sounds had some appeal as a way to delay the future a bit longer. Good....it seems my own morbidity, as snapped me back into reality and made this mindless brain dump a little more controlled-less frenzied than it has been. Breathe.
In the time is has taken me to unload on my unsuspecting blog, I have contemplated taking this down, emailing my best friends hoping for their advice or approval of my not-so-well-formed exit strategy. They can't save me, I don't need saving...I need hugs, lots of them and no one is here. Like I said before, this isn't my style. I'm usually not run away afraid...I'm usually more nervous and willing to admit the vulnerability but this is different. I think its my reaction that is the worst, so uncharacteristic of my normal self that I don't know how to control it.
I think the best plan of action is to appear as though things are normal and hope that the irrational side is beaten into submission by my overwhelming need for self-preservation and life satisfaction. My emotions are out of control.
This is the plan.
*get mail
*go to store, get school appropriate clothing
*maybe also school supplies, I want to see big lots
*start labeling and organizing like no one has done before.
*re-read blog and hopefully laugh at my mini nervous breakdown.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Twilight
I hope this post doesn't end up being entirely "Twilight" themed, but I just need to admit that I jumped on the band wagon, and won't be able to jump off. I will not become part of the online fandom, there is only room for Potter in that section of my heart. However, I just need to say that so far it is wonderful, and I hope I can catch up in the next week, before "Breaking Dawn." . However, it also got me thinking. I want that in my life. I think, like many other people, that I am into fantasy fiction because it is the ultimate escape. It can help you feel like you would belong in world that isn't your own. Don't get me wrong, I'll read anything....I love it, but if you can throw in some magic or mythical type creatures, I seem to identify more with the unreality of it all.
3 years ago my friend Colby was killed in action over seas and today I met a lady who had participated in the Walk to Remember, and said she was very moved at how much our tiny town and his family have put into remembering his life and love. I didn't cry then, but it made me realize how much I really cared about Colby. I know we lost touch, but I am sure in this day and age we would have been facebook friends, and I would make an effort to see him when I was home, because he was just that type of guy. He wanted everyone he knew around him to love and laugh with, a beautiful soul even still. In the car riding home, I did tear up all over again thinking about what a beautiful life we lost, but how we all have wonderful memories of Colby. I feel very deeply that it is a huge testement to his nature that no one has negative or hurtful memories of him, everyone always spreads around warmth and joy and laughter when Colby enters our minds and hearts. I was blessed in this life to have known him.
I had originally planned to write about more things in the love lorn realm of thought, but we'll end this post on Colby. Thanks buddy for all you did for our country, but mostly thank you for wanting to beat up my prom date when I got stood up. I still love you for that.
3 years ago my friend Colby was killed in action over seas and today I met a lady who had participated in the Walk to Remember, and said she was very moved at how much our tiny town and his family have put into remembering his life and love. I didn't cry then, but it made me realize how much I really cared about Colby. I know we lost touch, but I am sure in this day and age we would have been facebook friends, and I would make an effort to see him when I was home, because he was just that type of guy. He wanted everyone he knew around him to love and laugh with, a beautiful soul even still. In the car riding home, I did tear up all over again thinking about what a beautiful life we lost, but how we all have wonderful memories of Colby. I feel very deeply that it is a huge testement to his nature that no one has negative or hurtful memories of him, everyone always spreads around warmth and joy and laughter when Colby enters our minds and hearts. I was blessed in this life to have known him.
I had originally planned to write about more things in the love lorn realm of thought, but we'll end this post on Colby. Thanks buddy for all you did for our country, but mostly thank you for wanting to beat up my prom date when I got stood up. I still love you for that.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Return to the Blogosphere
Today I was inspired to rejoin the blogosphere with a different appreciation for getting my thoughts, feelings, and ideas out into the world.
I am watching a fascinating documentary on summer camp and having never been to summer camp, I can't really relate. However, I always had amazing summers growing up...even though we didn't usually go anywhere in particular. We weren't a Disney World, beach, exotic location type of family. We were more the relax at home and then go to family reunion for a weekend type of summer. That being said, I think my best summers started after I went to college, and was able to choose my own adventure (so to speak) for the summer. There is something so magical about the times with your friends before really "growing up" and making your own way.
These times are quickly drawing to a close and my "real life" is going to begin. I am simultaneously thrilled and terrified at the thought of losing myself in the past and living the future with only memories of my former interesting self. I feel myself clinging to the people and memories of those times and almost unwilling to move forward and make new memories with new people. I don't want new people...I want my old people, with new memories.
In the musical of my life, I hope this intermission with the powerhouse song and still more greatness to come. The conflicts will resolve in time and the love of my life with magically appear with admiration for me and what I have to offer. Of course, there will be a reprise of the best moments leading up to one show-stopping finale where the whole cast of characters and the chorus join me to celebrate :) Hopefully, this moment doesn't happen at the eternal finale, but rather just in time for me to start a broadway sensational sequel.
I am watching a fascinating documentary on summer camp and having never been to summer camp, I can't really relate. However, I always had amazing summers growing up...even though we didn't usually go anywhere in particular. We weren't a Disney World, beach, exotic location type of family. We were more the relax at home and then go to family reunion for a weekend type of summer. That being said, I think my best summers started after I went to college, and was able to choose my own adventure (so to speak) for the summer. There is something so magical about the times with your friends before really "growing up" and making your own way.
These times are quickly drawing to a close and my "real life" is going to begin. I am simultaneously thrilled and terrified at the thought of losing myself in the past and living the future with only memories of my former interesting self. I feel myself clinging to the people and memories of those times and almost unwilling to move forward and make new memories with new people. I don't want new people...I want my old people, with new memories.
In the musical of my life, I hope this intermission with the powerhouse song and still more greatness to come. The conflicts will resolve in time and the love of my life with magically appear with admiration for me and what I have to offer. Of course, there will be a reprise of the best moments leading up to one show-stopping finale where the whole cast of characters and the chorus join me to celebrate :) Hopefully, this moment doesn't happen at the eternal finale, but rather just in time for me to start a broadway sensational sequel.
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