So, I officially went into my classroom today.
You know how I know its was mine? My name was on the nameplate.
Seriously, coolest day ever. Well....coolest day in a really long time.
I needed to be excited and meet great people, I just needed good things to happen in life.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Empty
Oh I am the biggest poser on the planet. I put on my mask of fulfillment and then one chink in the chain and shambles again.
I am an escapist, I know it...I've even mentioned it here in my small return to blogdom, but my mind usually keeps me from feeling the whole wait of it.
I am stressed out, I am terrified and the feelings have been bouncing up into consciousness, but I have been able to ignore them because I was completely obsessed and focused on the completion of the twilight saga. How trivial and trite that fantasy novels would be my outlet for all the stress. Dumb, Kimberly, dumb. You are an idiot. Pushing away the terrifying times for the future was a horrible plan, now you have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.
I am clearly unprepared for life.
My mental list of needs, wants is crushing me and I either need to run away screaming or tuck myself in and never ever face to dangers of the outside world.
People who freak like this shouldn't be teachers. Stage fright really isn't my thing, it sounds cocky, but I am pretty fearless when it comes to matters of career. I don't understand why this is happening now, I think I will be better if I organize and post and go collect my mail. 2-3 weeks, 14-21 days is not enough time. I believe my first day of school is the 18th...okay, I checked it is the 18, and until I checked I was holding onto veiled hope that it was going to say the 20th. Someone how, 18 days of preparation infinitely longer and more appropriate the 16. 16 days is even too close to get reasonable airfare for a last minute escape attempt.
I want to move, I want to go away, I want to chase my dreams of hitting it big on stage and screen. My practicality about my life goals seems moot up this point. I was/am young....why did I tie myself down like this. I fear this is a horrible mistake, I need more time -I am not, I repeat am not ready for this to happen. I love the distracting myself and the idea of the teaching...its the permanence that I am terrified of regretting. I know that once I start, I'll never look back, I'm loyal (nearly to a fault) and I can't imagine giving up on my dreams. I say dreams, but is that what they are? If it was really my dream would I be freaking out like I am right now? This is horrible, I know its crushing me. The tears are all but out of my face and I can't let them win, my heart is breaking. It hurts, I can feel it. A horrible ache in the middle of my chest, and I can't lie the thought of an early heart attack...horrible and macabre as it sounds had some appeal as a way to delay the future a bit longer. Good....it seems my own morbidity, as snapped me back into reality and made this mindless brain dump a little more controlled-less frenzied than it has been. Breathe.
In the time is has taken me to unload on my unsuspecting blog, I have contemplated taking this down, emailing my best friends hoping for their advice or approval of my not-so-well-formed exit strategy. They can't save me, I don't need saving...I need hugs, lots of them and no one is here. Like I said before, this isn't my style. I'm usually not run away afraid...I'm usually more nervous and willing to admit the vulnerability but this is different. I think its my reaction that is the worst, so uncharacteristic of my normal self that I don't know how to control it.
I think the best plan of action is to appear as though things are normal and hope that the irrational side is beaten into submission by my overwhelming need for self-preservation and life satisfaction. My emotions are out of control.
This is the plan.
*get mail
*go to store, get school appropriate clothing
*maybe also school supplies, I want to see big lots
*start labeling and organizing like no one has done before.
*re-read blog and hopefully laugh at my mini nervous breakdown.
I am an escapist, I know it...I've even mentioned it here in my small return to blogdom, but my mind usually keeps me from feeling the whole wait of it.
I am stressed out, I am terrified and the feelings have been bouncing up into consciousness, but I have been able to ignore them because I was completely obsessed and focused on the completion of the twilight saga. How trivial and trite that fantasy novels would be my outlet for all the stress. Dumb, Kimberly, dumb. You are an idiot. Pushing away the terrifying times for the future was a horrible plan, now you have too much to do and not enough time to do it in.
I am clearly unprepared for life.
My mental list of needs, wants is crushing me and I either need to run away screaming or tuck myself in and never ever face to dangers of the outside world.
People who freak like this shouldn't be teachers. Stage fright really isn't my thing, it sounds cocky, but I am pretty fearless when it comes to matters of career. I don't understand why this is happening now, I think I will be better if I organize and post and go collect my mail. 2-3 weeks, 14-21 days is not enough time. I believe my first day of school is the 18th...okay, I checked it is the 18, and until I checked I was holding onto veiled hope that it was going to say the 20th. Someone how, 18 days of preparation infinitely longer and more appropriate the 16. 16 days is even too close to get reasonable airfare for a last minute escape attempt.
I want to move, I want to go away, I want to chase my dreams of hitting it big on stage and screen. My practicality about my life goals seems moot up this point. I was/am young....why did I tie myself down like this. I fear this is a horrible mistake, I need more time -I am not, I repeat am not ready for this to happen. I love the distracting myself and the idea of the teaching...its the permanence that I am terrified of regretting. I know that once I start, I'll never look back, I'm loyal (nearly to a fault) and I can't imagine giving up on my dreams. I say dreams, but is that what they are? If it was really my dream would I be freaking out like I am right now? This is horrible, I know its crushing me. The tears are all but out of my face and I can't let them win, my heart is breaking. It hurts, I can feel it. A horrible ache in the middle of my chest, and I can't lie the thought of an early heart attack...horrible and macabre as it sounds had some appeal as a way to delay the future a bit longer. Good....it seems my own morbidity, as snapped me back into reality and made this mindless brain dump a little more controlled-less frenzied than it has been. Breathe.
In the time is has taken me to unload on my unsuspecting blog, I have contemplated taking this down, emailing my best friends hoping for their advice or approval of my not-so-well-formed exit strategy. They can't save me, I don't need saving...I need hugs, lots of them and no one is here. Like I said before, this isn't my style. I'm usually not run away afraid...I'm usually more nervous and willing to admit the vulnerability but this is different. I think its my reaction that is the worst, so uncharacteristic of my normal self that I don't know how to control it.
I think the best plan of action is to appear as though things are normal and hope that the irrational side is beaten into submission by my overwhelming need for self-preservation and life satisfaction. My emotions are out of control.
This is the plan.
*get mail
*go to store, get school appropriate clothing
*maybe also school supplies, I want to see big lots
*start labeling and organizing like no one has done before.
*re-read blog and hopefully laugh at my mini nervous breakdown.
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